I am Not a "Cancer Patient"

I have been feeling progressively better this week, to the point where I have gone to work a couple times, and even lifted weights this morning. Here's a photo to prove it. I honestly feel really great today, aside from the return of my stomach pain, which is a little strange.

It's interesting how quickly the way I feel changes. As I mentioned in my last post, I was still feeling completely exhausted on the weekend. I also experienced some pretty persistent and intense bone pain from my Neupogen injections, which kept me awake all night on Friday and Saturday. On Sunday and Monday I felt quite anemic, to the point of feeling dizzy, extremely out of breath, and pale, as a result of even the easiest of exercises such as walking up a hill. However, on Tuesday I felt half decent, and yesterday I was well enough to go to the beach in the morning and to work in the afternoon. Yes Mom, I put lots of sunscreen on.

I am happy to be feeling this healthy again today, and satisfied that I will get a full 7 days of feeling "normal" until my next chemo session. As I was working out this morning with the music pumping, I got to thinking that I don't consider myself to be a "cancer patient." While I am undergoing some pretty intense treatments for awhile, and feel very ill for close to two weeks at a time after each session, my body and mind always return to their usual healthy state of being. Look at the photo... now back here... now back to the photo... now back here. Does that look like a "cancer patient" to you? I'm proud to be able to keep a fairly solid sense of normalcy in my life while I'm fighting this disease. Not only does it help to remove the "Big C" from "cancer", but it also enables me to enjoy what I believe is still going to be a great summer. Yes, I realize I am saying this now and will be back to moaning and groaning about how shitty I feel next weekend, but humor me here!

Have a listen to this song, "Let it Go," by Dragonette. It's a good way to describe how I'm feeling.

"We don't need a cure for the weight of the world,
'Cause its floating round in the universe,
Just swinging like its tied by a string that you hold and let it go."

Thanks for reading,
Christopher

Note To Self: Don't do Job Interviews Six Days After Chemo

Today Kaitlin reminded me that I have a blog and that I should maybe write an update. Good thing I've been taking notes each day.

On Tuesday I woke up with a stinging in my mouth and throat that made it extremely difficult to eat, drink, talk, and swallow. As you know, chemotherapy is intended to kill rapidly growing cells, i.e., cancer cells, but many good cells in the human body also divide and grow rapidly, including the cells that line the inside of the mouth. Unfortunately these healthy cells are also damaged by chemotherapy, which makes it difficult for my mouth to heal itself and to fend off germs, which can lead to sores and infections. I ended up filling my prescription from the cancer agency for magic mouthwash, so I didn't get any sores and infections, but it didn't help with the pain. In my daily log I wrote "my mouth and throat are hurting so much today that they're all I can think about."

I went to the cancer agency on Tuesday too, and the nurse taught me how to do a subcutaneous injection, in other words "stab myself with a needle." Check out my post Chemo Round #2 for more on why I now have to do this. I don't really like needles so it was hard for me to actually stick myself with one the first time. As a matter of fact, I got it about half a centimeter into my stomach, and then pulled it right back out again while exclaiming "Ouch! Why doesn't it hurt this much when you give me needles?" The nurse laughed and informed me that I went too slowly. "You're going to have to commit! Just give 'er! Jab it in there nice and fast!" she said. I did, and it was fine. Each morning since then hasn't been a problem, and today was the last day of neupogen subcutaneous injections until my next round of chemo.

I don't remember what I did on Wednesday, but I wrote the following in my daily log: "Experiencing body aches and pains today. Felt crappy, tired, and head-achy all afternoon. Mouth still hurts to the point where I cry out in pain upon drinking, eating, or yawning. Also lots of muscular jaw/facial pain."

On Thursday morning I had an interview for the TOC list with the Greater Victoria School District. Well... I was supposed to. A lady from the human resources department had called me on Tuesday to schedule the interview and I accepted it partly because I wanted to maintain the optimism that I would actually be well enough to carry through, and partly because I had already been hired as a TOC by the Sooke School District for September, and thus, what did I have to lose? Yes, I realize I have bragged about this a lot already, but come-on, it's exciting for a recent graduate such as myself!

Thursday morning rolled around however, and I wondered if it was a mistake to accept the job interview, given the intense aching pain, confusion, and exhaustion I was experiencing, never mind my increasing inability to engage in complex thought processes. I tried to call to ask if I could reschedule, but I was unable to get through, and the end result was that I some how got it into my head that I should just go for it anyways. How bad could it be, right? Well... it turns out... pretty bad.

I was led into the interview room, and after the introductions, I mentioned that I had gone through chemotherapy less than a week ago. I explained that because of this I might need to have some questions repeated, and it might take me a bit longer to process and answer them, because the side effects of chemotherapy include confusion and difficulty with thought-processes. The two interviewers were very understanding, and with that, we began.

Interviewer: "Alright Christopher, so here is the first question. Tell us about a lesson you taught that went really well, and why it was so successful."
Christopher: "One of the best lessons that I've ever taught was the first lesson in a recorder unit during my practicum last year. I.... ummm... well... I remember that I was wondering how I was going to teach recorder to a bunch of rowdy kids in grade two and three, so I called up my old elementary music teacher to ask her what she would suggest. She gave me all sorts of tips and tricks and it was so neat to talk to her. She told me to introduce the concept of.... ummm... I forget... but... ummm... the lesson went well... ummm... I love teaching music and I'm pretty experienced in it... so the lesson was pretty good... but... ummm... what was the question again?"

I don't even think I was half that eloquent.

I could feel myself starting to blush, and realized that this was all a terrible mistake. I couldn't think properly. I couldn't put sentences together. I couldn't remember the question. I couldn't understand what they were asking. I couldn't even look them in the eye. My mouth was so dry. What had happened to me!??

At this point, one of the interviewers looked up and gently said "Okay. Christopher. There's no way we are going to put you through this today. You shouldn't be here right now. When would be a good time to reschedule?"

I spent most of the rest of the day in a daze.

On Friday (yesterday) I felt a little less confused and my mouth hurt a little less, but the fatigue had really set in. I made a grocery list and went to Thrifty Foods, a mere one kilometer walk from my house. It took ten minutes to get there but once I had two loaded grocery bags it took 25 minutes to get home. Apparently I underestimated how weak my body is right now, as I had to keep sitting down on the side of the road to rest. When I got home I collapsed on the couch for half an hour. I managed to make muffins in the morning, and after napping for a couple hours and going for a walk in the afternoon, I made enchiladas for dinner.

Today I have been up and about, but my energy is sapped. I feel completely and indescribably exhausted, even just sitting on the couch typing this post. I am also starting to experience some very intense aching in my bones, mostly in my lower back. The nurse told me on Tuesday that this is a side-effect of the neupogen injections, and it means that my bone marrow is just working overtime to produce my white blood cells... so that's a good thing... but right now it feels awful.

I'm going to eat dinner now, and perhaps I will go for a short walk before an early bedtime tonight.

Thanks for reading,

Christopher

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One last thought before I sign off for tonight: I hope that I don't come across as pining for sympathy in these blog posts. I'm handling everything pretty well, I think, and the last thing I want is to sound like I'm saying "Look how much life sucks right now. Pay attention to meeeeeee." I haven't actually had anyone approach me with that sort of feedback, but I feel the need to mention it; I suppose as a method of maintaining my self-preservation and pride. The reason I describe my tribulations in such detail is so that hopefully I can remove some of the "mystery" of what it is like to fight cancer, because the impression I have gotten so far is that it is still an uncomfortable and unknown subject for many, many people.
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Brain Fuzz Dreamland

I tried to snap a nice photo of me smiling to text-message to Kaitlin to say "good luck on your toe mole removal today" but I couldn't smile because my cheeks hurt too much. I think this is the first day where I really hate cancer and really really hate the side effects of chemo. I don't even know why I'm bothering to write a blog post because I don't actually have much to say. Today just seems to be slipping me by. I feel confused, dazed, dysfunctional, dizzy, and weak. My friend Renee said "It does my heart good to hear you being a tad negative about it today, Chris. You have been so upbeat about all the sucky stuff." I suppose she's right, and it's good for me to be honest with my emotions. Today I just wish that I could feel how I did last week... healthy, fit, happy, and energetic.

I really like the band Sigur Ros, ever since my friend Kris introduced them to me perhaps six years ago. I have never looked up a translation for the lyrics so I don't know what they're actually singing about (and prefer to keep it that way) but the musicality and videography of this song seems to fit well with how I feel right now. Not negative, but rather dream-like, trudging toward a healthier tomorrow.

Chemo Hair Loss

Here is a photo as promised. I haven't been awake for very long...

My body hair has been gradually starting to thin and fall out for the last week or so, but last night it really started to come out, although interestingly enough, only on my head. I could literally pull my whiskers out with my fingernails. When I woke up this morning, most of it was on my pillow. I shaved the rest, but it wasn't really even a "shave" because the razor basically just pulled the rest of the hair out. I guess I officially look like a cancer patient now!

As I've probably mentioned at some point in my blog, chemotherapy destroys all fast-growing cells in the body, even the good ones. The whole hair-loss thing is kind of interesting because some hair cells on the body are not as "fast growing" as others I suppose. My legs and arms have yet to lose any, although they're definitely not really growing anymore, but my chest and back are getting pretty thin. I trimmed all that (and basically just shaved my back smooth) so it wouldn't make a huge mess when that hair falls out for good. I imagine it won't be very long before it follows suit with my head.

A little update for yesterday: I had a really bad sleep on Friday night and lost my stomach twice when I woke up in the morning on Saturday. I thought it was because I am no longer able to take Stemetil but it turns out that I was supposed to take one more Ondansetron before bed on Friday. I took it on Saturday morning as soon as I realized my mistake, and the nausea subsided for the rest of the day, most of which I spent sleeping, because I also took an extra-strength Gravol.

Lastly, I have grown to hate one of my chemo drugs, Prednisone. I probably mentioned all the side effects in a previous post, but they include extreme restlessness, insomnia, swollen or "puffy" cheeks & joints, and believe it or not, grumpiness. Also, I only take it for five days during each round of chemo, and coming off of it after Round #1 was a horrible experience. I hate what it does to me.

Kaitlin came over last night and for some reason we were arguing or disagreeing about something little and it just escalated and basically ruined our whole evening. I am generally the cool-headed one during arguments, but because of the Prednisone (and probably my lack of sleep and crappy day) my emotions seemed to be blown way out of proportion. I could tell what was happening in my head, but I just couldn't control it, and it was so frustrating and made me pretty upset. I could tell it was really frustrating for Kaitlin too.

Eventually Kaitlin asked what I wanted 'right now' and all I came up with was "I need to cuddle." The rest of the evening ended up okay, with my eyes closed, head in her lap, while she played with my hair... or what was left of it. I could tell she was still frustrated with me, but at least we were relaxed. Thanks for sticking it out, Kaitlin. I love you.

That is my update for Sunday morning. Happy Father's Day to all you dads out there.

Christopher

Chemo Round #2

Yesterday I went for a blood test at Jubilee Hospital in the morning, and received a call from the BC Cancer Agency in the afternoon. Apparently my neutrophils (white blood cells) were too low because the normal range is 2.5 - 7.5 and mine were at 0.25. Don't ask me what the units are, but anything below 1.0 is cause for concern. The clinic told me that I would have to go for another blood test tomorrow (this morning) and if the counts weren't higher I might have to wait to start my second treatment. I felt frustrated when I heard that, but at the same time I almost felt a sense of relief. 

I have been feeling so healthy for the last week; I had my belated birthday party BBQ in Beacon Hill Park on Saturday, I went for two 25km bike rides on Sunday and Monday, lifted weights on Saturday and Tuesday, and ran 5km on Wednesday. I also had my UVic graduation ceremony on Wednesday, and went out for dinner and drinks at the bar afterwards. So to hear "your chemo might need to wait a week" was the same as hearing "you're free to keep living your regular super awesome life for another week!" 

Unfortunately (fortunately) I ended up having my chemo today anyways. The nurse called again yesterday and told me that since my treatment is curative, not palliative, they need to stick to the schedule as closely as possible... which is good... because I really want to be cured. 

I don't actually have too much to report about the chemotherapy session today. Bugger -- I don't have any photos either! I was at the cancer agency from 12:00 until 4:15 pm and I didn't have any reactions to the drugs, which I was very happy about. Also, Kaitlin was there until 2:00, and my friend Anja visited me from 2:30 onward, so I was very well taken care of and the time passed quickly! I had a bowl of my mom's homemade granola for dinner, and went for a 30 minute walk in a somewhat successful attempt to curb the nausea that is currently creeping into my body. Here we go again. I'd give anything to feel like I did yesterday, right now.

So. Chemo lowers my white blood cell counts too much. Guess what: There's a fix for that.

Today I was given a prescription for Neupogen, which stimulates the bone marrow to make white blood cells. It's basically a man-made version of a certain natural substance found in the body, and is produced using some kind of bacteria. It is important I take this, because when my white blood counts drop too low it is very easy for me to get a bacterial infection, which can easily turn into a blood infection, which is a medical emergency. Anyways, I felt like I was transporting a bomb when I carried the Neupogen out to my car today, encased in blocks of ice. The mixture is very sensitive: It needs to be stored between 2-8° C and shaking the vials could render the entire thing useless.

Oh yeah... and five 1 mL vials costs more than $1500. Can you believe these teenie tiny vials of liquid bone marrow magic are more than $300 each!? Here's a photo of them with a penny for size comparison.

Luckily Kaitlin is the best girlfriend in the whole wide world, and she spent more than an hour on the phone with BC Pharmacare and the Victory Supportive Care Program, which means that combined with my (crappy) UVic health insurance I now have 100% coverage for this very expensive drug.

Anyways, I will be taking Neupogen for five days, starting on Day #5 of each chemo treatment, and I will need to administer it as an injection under my skin. A nurse at the cancer agency is going to teach me how to do it on Tuesday.

As for right now, I think it's time for bed. Thank-you to everyone who has been so incredibly supportive during the last month; I need to reiterate that I don't think I could stay so positive and optimistic without you. I've experienced many emotions since this whole thing started, but right now I feel very at peace. I really do believe this whole cancer thing being merely a bump in the road, and by Autumn I will be cured. I have my friends, family, and other such loved-ones to thank for affirming that.

Thanks for reading,

Christopher

Feelin' Good and Everything is Fine

My mom reminded me yesterday that I haven't updated my blog in awhile, and that I should post updates when I'm feeling good sometimes too. The title comes from this song:



Nothing really extraordinary has happened since my last post, except that I have been slowly starting to feel a lot healthier. Oh wait... I guess that is pretty exciting. Truth be told, I have not had many naps since Monday. I also managed to pull off two 30 minute workouts this week and I went into work for a couple afternoon shifts. In fact, I completely forgot about this blog because life has started to feel so normal again. It's so good to know that the chemotherapy is actually doing something!

It should be a good weekend, because two of my best friends from high school are coming from the mainland to visit me today, and I am having my belated birthday party tomorrow. 

I noticed something interesting yesterday -- my hair has stopped growing. I usually buzz my head and my facial hair with my electric razor, and shave my neck (with a hunting knife and a bar of soap) every couple days, but after 72 hours my whiskers have yet to sprout. I guess that means I'm going to start shedding pretty soon here. Mom says when I do, I should take a picture. I'm not sure if she means I should take a picture of my smooth naked body, or if she means I should snap a shot of the pile of hair on the floor, but in either case, stay tuned for something happening in fairly short order.

In a week from now I will be receiving my second round of chemotherapy, which means I will be feeling like shit again for awhile. Luckily my UVic B.Ed Convocation is three days prior, so I will be able to walk across the stage after all. Perhaps my hair will be falling out and blowing in the wind behind me?

Alright. That is my update. Sorry it is so short, but I want to go enjoy life for the next week. Take that, cancer!

Christopher

Fatigue, Random Pains, and Chemo Brain

A friend and mentor emailed me yesterday because my blog had been silent since Tuesday, and he was wondering if everything was okay. Yes, I am still alive and kickin', but the only two things I've really been able to do for the last few days are eat and sleep... and even those have been hard.

Let me explain.

I undergo chemotherapy once every 21 days (next one is June 15th) and within that time period there is a reduction in my bone marrow's production of red blood cells, immune cells, and platelets. If you were to graph it, the result would be an upside down bell-curve, with my counts returning to normal by Day 21. I'm not going to attempt to write about why/how this all works, because I still don't quite understand it (maybe Brian can do a little piece in the comments section), but ultimately low blood counts = fatigue, thin blood, and zero immunity. The latter two I will talk about in another blog post, but today I want to focus on fatigue.

Yesterday morning I woke up and had breakfast. After breakfast I had a nap, and when I woke up again, it was lunch time. I ate a grilled cheese sandwich, and by the time I had washed the dishes I was ready for another nap. My eyes opened again in the mid afternoon and I decided that it would probably be a good idea to go for a walk. Apparently the 3 km trail around Cedar Hill Golf Course was too ambitious, because when I got home I needed another nap. It was really hard to drag myself off the couch for a staff dinner downtown at 7:00, but I forced myself to go because I've been missing all my coworkers. By 9:00 I was done for the day, so I headed home and slept all night again. While this might sound like a pretty nice, lazy-sort-of-day, it wasn't. Even trying to sit up straight at the computer right now is difficult, and composing sentences is a chore.

I've been finding it hard to find words to describe the fatigue, but two appropriate choices would be "distressing" and "persistent." It's a sense of tiredness and exhaustion that is in no way proportional to my activity level. It is an ongoing lack of energy; a type of weakness or inertia that I feel throughout my whole body all the time. I slept for close to 10 hours last night, yet this morning I feel as if I have not shut my eyes in a week. Most of you will probably understand how much of a life change this is for me.

Along with the fatigue, there are the random pains. They don't seem to be caused by anything in particular, and I cannot pinpoint exactly where they are originating from, but they could be best described as aches that manifest themselves in various parts of my body (including my head) regularly throughout the day. I don't notice them as much when I'm distracted or moving around, but when I lie down to rest they really bother me.


Update for Sunday, June 3: The fatigue has subsided a little bit today, however; the aches I mentioned have increased in intensity, to the point of where they are making me absolutely miserable. Tylenol does not help, nor does keeping myself occupied.

The last ailment I want to mention is what the nurses call "Chemo Brain". While it is probably impossible to quantify, Chemo Brain is definitely a "thing." For me, it means having trouble keeping track of what I am saying, not being able to find the right words, forgetting what I came into a room for, etc. I phoned my dad the other day with a very specific question in mind, but after it rang three times I didn't remember why I was calling. Kaitlin likes to call this "Boy Brain" (ha... ha... ha...) but joking aside, this is quite a bit worse. I just feel... confused. Maybe it's a preview of senility? Chemo Brain, combined with the fatigue, has turned me into a walking zombie of sorts. During the last few days I have almost felt like I have been separated from my body; I can see myself doing things and hear myself talking, but it doesn't seem like me doing it, and none of it makes any sense.

That's all for now. The sun is peeking out from behind the clouds, and it looks like it might be a nice weekend here in Victoria. I have a wonderful life, and even though my body is going through a rough patch, it's aaaaaaaaaaaaall good. Hey -- The first person to name the book I'm referencing there, wins a prize!

Time for a nap...

Christopher